Friday, September 23, 2011

So What Happened Next?

So, on August 3, 2011 I was sure that my journey on the road to having another baby was well on its way. I was on the interstate to pregnancy. Albiet, I was 4w 1d along, but I felt great. I took picture of my pregnancy test and emailed it to Ben. Nolan and I spent two hours playing at the park in our neighborhood that day. Ben and I were both happy and chatty that night when he got home from work. I calculated my due date...about two weeks before Nolan's third birthday. Three April birthdays would be challenging, but you when you try for a year, you take what you can get. And an April birthday was fine with me at this point. Over the next week, I definitely started having the tiredness kick in. I napped with Nolan because I knew there was no way he was going to start going to bed early and I knew my body would need the rest. I kicked the caffiene. Just like the previous times, I changed my life immediately to give this baby every chance to be healthy. The Friday after I found out I scheduled my pre-natal visit. I was going to have to wait three whole weeks to be seen.

About two weeks after we found out, Ben went to Philly for work training for the week. That week was hard. Entertaining Nolan from the time he got up in the morning until he went to sleep at night was rough. It was one million degrees outside, limiting the number of things we could do. So we had a fun activity every day: library, Gymboree, JumpZone, Chuck E Cheese. And we ate dinner out every night. I struggle getting food ready when I'm well rested and Ben's home. I wasn't even going to attempt dinner meals for Nolan and me. But later on that week I started feeling fine again.

Now with the first pregnancy, my symptoms faded fast. Around 7 weeks, I didn't have a single symptom. And with Nolan the exact opposite was true. I was tired and sick and everything else awful under the sun from around 6.5 weeks until 20 weeks (lucky me). So when I started feeling better, I got a little worried. But I was hopeful....maybe it was a girl this time and that is why I felt so different. Or maybe because I just didn't have time to deal with it watching Nolan, my body knew I couldn't be sick. And feeling great the entire time would be AMAZING! So I kept on doing what I knew to do.

On August 26th I went in for my appointment. Now if you've never had one before, they tell you your due date and give you all of the great welcoming baby things to fill out. There's a list of what to do and what not to do. And then they typically send you on your way. Since I had a history of miscarriage, the nurse practicioner offered to do an ultrasound. Yes, please. It would settle my mind to see everything on the screen.

Well, we got to the screen and didn't see anything. She explained she was only to my cervix and you can't always see anything there. So a little further. There it was, the sac. But there was no movement. I didn't see a baby. Having had two early ultrasounds before, I knew what we were looking for. There it was, an empty sac. BLIGHTED OVUM. My heart sank. I wanted to cry. But I kept it together....just a little 'dust in the eyes.' She explained there was probably a chromosomal abnormality and so the fetus stopped developing. She measured and asked if I was sure of my LMP. I could just be 5weeks and some change. I was sure. We have been trying a year. I keep track of EVERYTHING in my phone. So I got dressed, made my way to the front desk and set up a followup appointment and got my lab sheets so they could start seeing if my hcg levels were dropping.

I totally lost my shit when I got in the car. It hurt just as much as I remembered. The thing about this kind of loss is that you lose someone you never met, but loved just the same. Someone you changed your life for. I cried for 15 minutes in the parking lot and drove home. Cried some more when I told Ben. He said it wasn't worth getting upset about. Except it was. We had plans to have dinner with friends that night. He asked if I wanted to go. Yes I did. I wasn't going sit home and feel awful. At least I could have a good meal. So we went and I had a good time...puffy face and all.

The next day I started bleeding. In retrospect, I'm glad I saw that ultrasound and knew what to plan for. God knew I couldn't handle not being prepared for this....not after trying for so long. Had my appointment been any sooner, that ultrasound may have not painted such a clear picture and I would have been hit with an emotional ton of bricks. We went to Branson to do some shopping for Nolan. By Monday I was bleeding heavily. It was different from the first time because my bleeding started light and got heavier. The first time, it was full on bleeding and a dilating cervix in a matter of hours. Wednesday was the worst day. I was going through an overnight pad every 45 minutes. And I had to keep Nolan entertained. So we went to JumpZone to meet friends. I went to the bathroom about 4 times in the 2 hours we were there. I was passing big clots and cramping like crazy. I just wanted to go home and lay down. Later that night the cramps that feel like early labor started. My miscarriages remind me of the first stage of labor...up until I was dilated to 3-4cm. It hurts. I debated going to the emergency room to get drugs. I decided that was a waste of time and money. So Ben got home from work and I handed off my parenting responsibilities. I took a bath and used the heating pad. I couldn't take the pain much longer, so I decided to start pushing. That worked with delivering a baby, so maybe it could work with passing all of the 'products of conception.' I pushed and a lot of really nasty stuff came out. Then I thought I needed to go number 2. So I went to the potty and out plopped the gestational sac. Right there in my toilet. If you want to see a picture, I took one. It's too gross to post on the internet. Plus, it looks like a took a picture of poop. It was about 4 inches long and 2 inches in diameter. Never did I expect it to be so big. But after it was out, the cramps almost totally went away.

I went back to my OBGYN the next day. My hcg levels were around 15,000 and my progesterone was around 18. But we did another ultrasound and I had passed most everything. He said my levels would begin to drop quickly. I bled for another 5 days after that.

We've been given the greenlight to get back to the business of making babies. I want another baby so bad. Not only for Ben and me, but for my son. I don't want him to grow up an only child. My heart still hurts, but I know that it will get better.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Why Secondary Infertility Totally Sucks

First off, I've been an absent blogger for a while. The last post was on our trip to Denver....that happened back in March. When Ben's sister still lived there. And my days were not totally busy with a two-year old. With Nolan in school two days a week, I had time to clean my house and hit the gym. Since June I have tried to fill his days with fun activities. Three months of activities. With a child that doesn't like being a schedule, but is heartbroken if we aren't busy. And trust me, he is always busy. So for the past three months my days have been consumed with the library, splash pad, playground, JumpZone, Chuck E Cheese, etc. But N went back to school on Monday (for eight whole hours a week) so I will get some sense of myself back.

But back to my thoughts. The thoughts that have been running around in my head for forever. It's been a struggle for me. A planner by nature. The one who likes to have all of her ducks in a row and might line up your ducks too if I get a chance. I hate this part of my life and I try to stay hopeful every single day. Some days are easy as pie. Some days aren't. Those are the days when I find out someone else is expecting. Oh, and this baby was a total surprise. Yeah, those days are rough. So how did I end up here? It's been a fourteen month journey. One that I feel like I should write down. Two posts should cover it. One about the journey to trying to get pregnant and the next about finally getting there and my second miscarriage (the first was before Nolan). For the record we are now at - Miscarriage: 2. Healthy Pregnancy: 1. Those are not statistics that I like. So how did this all start?

When Nolan was about a year old I thought I was close to being ready for another baby. He never slept and he was still nursing, so getting to that point was a huge step. Well, at about 15 months he got his first pair of tennis shoes. That is what sent me into a baby fever frenzy. All of a sudden my baby didn't look like a baby anymore. And suddenly I realized that even if I got pregnant on that very day my children would be over two years apart. That was it. I wanted a baby right then. So I did what anyone that wanted a baby would do. The only problem was that I was still not having AF. I had a child that nursed 8 times a day. I'm sure my prolactin levels were through the roof and I probably wasn't even ovulating, but that didn't stop us from trying...and hoping. From July through November there was nothing. No AF, no pregnancy symptoms. I held out hope that I would be one of those people that caught the first egg before AF. But November came and went and I still wasn't pregnant. But that was just 5 months and I wasn't able to track ovulation...if I was even ovulating.

We decided to wean Nolan. Looking back it was a decision I regret. I feel guilty about it to this day. He hated the process and I hated it too. And then for the next 6 months he had an ear infection every month and had to do round after round of antibiotics. Had I known he would get sick and I wouldn't get pregnant, I would have kept on nursing. But we weaned. And again, I thought first egg. Most fertile after you stop breastfeeding. It's going to happen. But it didn't. I got my first AF in November and that's when she decided to make a regular monthly appearance. In January I went to see by OBGYN. He said 6 months is normal and 12 is when we start taking steps. I was normal. Well, that made me feel better.

We get to March while we were in Denver. I had bleeding on day 21. I just knew it was implantation bleeding. I was at Red Rocks running the stairs and I got giddy. But the next day on the flight home good ol' AF reared her ugly head. That's when I got crazy with ovulation predictors and testing and charting. I did everything right and I still wasn't getting pregnant. For three months I made myself a crazy person. Then we went on vacation in early June and I gave it up. If it was going to happen, I was going to have to let it go. Give it to God. So I did.

I had my annual in July and told my doctor it has been a year. He ran some tests and told me all of my levels were normal. I was secretly hoping something wasn't so there would be a reason. I was officially diagnosed with this awful thing called Secondary Infertility. He wrote me a prescription for Clomid. I cried on the way to drop it off. I would start on day three of my next cycle. So I would be waiting about two weeks and then begin a medicated process to try and get pregnant.

I waited on pins and needles for that cycle to start. The day she was due came and went. But I wasn't going to take another pregnancy test. I had already taken so many before just hoping and they were all negative. I made it a day past and went to store in early August to purchase a two-pack of First Response. I figured it would be negative...again. I didn't use FMU and by goodness, there were two dark pink lines within SECONDS. I was in a state of shock. 13 months and it finally happened. And I didn't even have to take the Clomid. Finally, God answered this prayer.

Up next: excitement and heartbreak. Maybe I'll even throw in a picture.

Now the sucky things about secondary infertility. The crummy stuff I get to hear.
1. You were able to have on kid, so it will happen again.
2. You are already blessed with one perfect child; you should be happy.
3. You don't want to wait too long to have another one.
I'm sure there are a half dozen more that I have just purged from my memory. People these days seriously have no filters.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

I Heart Denver

Seriously, I love the place. I wish we could find a way to move out there. It is amazing. In early March we got to make a trip out to see Emily and we were baby free. I had forgotten how easy it is to travel when you're packing for one and you can carry your luggage on the plane. After driving to Tulsa, flying to Denver and driving to Vail. My hair looks so pretty!!!! This was the view from our balcony at the Vail Cascade....amazing.

Saturday night enjoying a Moscow Mule after a yummy dinner at Jax Fish House.

Sunday's workout at Red Rocks.

The opposite of how we are working out. I'm pretending, but Ben is totally serious with the stretching.

Seriously, I love Denver.