Thursday, July 3, 2014

Growth


This has been one of those weeks where life lessons have just been tossed in my face left and right.  And honestly, I've been so busy I just don't even want to take the time to stop and reflect on them.  Things have been insanely rough lately.  And yet we still have so much to be thankful for.  And it's easy to lose sight of that.
 
I have felt like the ugliest pig lately.  No showers, gym clothes, breakouts and bad hair galore-ugly.  It's a shame I put so much of my self worth on how I look and it translates into how I feel.  I have a husband who always finds me beautiful and when my babies see their momma it's nothing but love.  And I just think if I had less gray hair or the bags under my eyes were gone or my hair had more volume or my skin would stay clear for longer than a minute, things would be better.  And then I feel so silly for thinking any of that matters.  I mean: health, loving family, all of our needs (and most of our wants) are met.  It's really selfish.
 


This was taken on a day when I showered, dried my hair, put on mascara and used light to drown out a lot of the imperfections.
 And my insecurities spill into my relationships.  I probably don't give my husband enough attention because I just feel so gross.  And I shy away from adoring looks from my kids because of pimple on my chin.  I really don't have a lot of friends and it's hard for me to make new friends.  I shy away because I worry people will judge me or the way I look or what I drive or where I live.  And honestly, they probably are.  But does that mean they wouldn't like me?  Probably not.  And so my kids aren't around a lot of other kids.
 
This little fella is like a sponge.  He soaks up everything.  And unfortunately, I haven't been the very best role model for him lately.  Lucky for me, he still loves me "more than anything in the whole world."
 This week we had a meeting with neurology to make sure there was nothing else going on with Allyn that was causing the scoliosis and delays.  The physician said that sure she was delayed physically, but cognitively there is nothing wrong with her.  She clearly understands everything we are saying and just has a hard time communicating verbally.  But to keep down the road we are on with getting her in as much therapy as we can. 
And this little dolly.  She almost always brings a big smile to my face.  (Hey she's in that phase where she gets frustrated a lot, and so do I.  So there are some not so smiley moments.)
But she said something else so very profound.  Stop.  Stop stressing; stop doing too much for her.  Get her out around other kids her age.  Let her play and explore.  For the last year I have really been keeping her close.  We spend a lot (almost all) of our time together.  I want to protect her.  And in a lot of ways I want to shield her from all of the emotions and judgement that I feel most of the time.  She needs to learn to do things on her own.  There will be frustration and there will be tears.  But through it all she will grow.  And maybe, so will I. 

So I'm going to do my very best to just live with these people I love so much.  If the last year has shown me anything, it's that life will throw you curve balls and you will adjust.  You really don't have a choice.  But I have failed immensely on the loving life front.  I've just wanted to make it to the next day, the next month, the next phase, the next cast....  And hopefully, that will translate into fun and friends and really loving this next chapter in our story.

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