Tuesday, February 10, 2015

The Things We Are Too Afraid to Discuss

And trying to celebrate the small victories.

Allyn has been making great strides since December.  She tells us she wants to walk.  Her language has gotten so much better.  She is eating.  These are things I have been terrified to acknowledge to anyone, including myself.  And how crazy is that?  These are things I should be celebrating.  They are HUGE. 

 And yet, in my warped mind I feel like trivializing them will make all of this easier.  If we have another setback, maybe it won't sting so much if no one else knows truly how far we have come. 
 Of if our progress slows or comes to a halt, I'll be able to cope with that.  Being a mommy to this wonderful child has exposed me to so much.  And I'm much more capable than I would have ever given myself credit for.  Before Ben and I had children, we decided that I would stay home with them while he worked.  A stay-at-home mom.  It seemed like an easy job.  And with both of my children, it's been anything but...and for different reasons. 
 But I've learned through this process, this is the thing that I am truly amazing at.  I am a really good mom.  I love my babies fiercely.  I've had sweet comments on this blog from complete strangers.  And how can you really tell anything about a person from the little snippets of a "perfect" life they let you catch a glimpse of?  But then I hear it from people who know me too.  And I have a great husband who supports me through all of the heartache and my drama.
 Having a child with "special needs" has really brought all of this to the front of my mind lately.  But really, her needs are not all that special.  All she really needs is love, security and all of those other warm and fuzzy things.  We'll get the rest figured out.  Or we'll adapt.  That's the thing about her and her brother.  I would move mountains for them. 
 Watching Allyn develop in the past two months has been eye opening.  And in some ways, it's like I'm seeing the world through new eyes for the first time too.  There is such joy in the little things. 
 Excitement over steps, the way Nolan talks to her and encourages her, feeding herself an entire meal and knowing that we can finally communicate with some efficiency using words.  I finally feel like I should be shouting from top of the world how great God has been to us.  How I can feel this hope engulfing my life right now.  And it so scary at the same time because I fear that it could be stripped away at any moment.  But I feel like it's okay to say that I am scared.  Because being a parent, no matter your situation, is scary.
 So for now, I'm going to celebrate these victories.  No matter how small they may be.  We have truly come so far.  And thanks for sticking around for the rather exciting ride. 


Lenette Sparacino said...

Celebrating with you! Continuing to pray for Allyn and for you!

Anonymous said...

I will keep Allyn in my prayers too. I Have had severe scoliosis but recently had full spinal fusion in my 30s. She is just precious! Blessings to your family!

Kelly Stamps said...

I know you - and you are an AMAZING mom!!!!!!!! I'm blown away by you. And I'm so proud of Allyn and how far she has come. I pray you continue to celebrate each step and be amazed by how far she will go!

Tamara Lambert said...

Your post makes complete sense. I found your blog through Kelly's blog, and the title of your post is what prompted me to click on it from Kelly's page. I do not know you, but, as a mom, or even for myself, I've hidden things that I should not. Your daughter is beautiful.