Monday, October 26, 2015

It's Not All Kittens and Rainbows

Today was going to be a nice weekend update post.  But it's not.  It can't be.

My heart aches right now.  Aches. And I am beyond angry.  You see, I have two younger sisters.  And the thing about sisters is that you are close even when you aren't.  And we don't see each other often and we don't talk much and we live like a million miles away but I love my little sisters dearly and I always want what is best for them.

(Yeah, I promise I'm their biological sister.  Same parents.  Crazy genetics).

My middle sister has battled mental health issues and drug addiction for as long as I can remember now.  She was the one who drank in high school and started smoking when she was oh so young.  And from there it progressed, like you so often hear about.  She did marijuana and prescription pills and then it moved onto other things.  And she would go to rehab and it would stick for a bit, and then it wouldn't.

And I can't tell you what goes on in the mind of an addict because I honestly have NO FREAKING CLUE.  And I don't think her story is mine to tell.  But my feelings about it are real.

Her addiction has destroyed her family; it has destroyed our family.  Because you always love your kids, my parents have gone above and beyond to make it better.  And it's like she doesn't even care.  Or maybe she does.  But I don't know addiction.  And I'm angry with her for being so selfish and such a burden (emotionally and financially).  And I HATE her for what she is doing to her kids.  I know I would do anything for my children.  Most parents would.  But when you are staring in the face of an addict, I don't know that you can say that.  And I feel like the reason "you don't understand addiction" as true as it may be can't (or shouldn't) get in the way of the love you have for your kids.

The lies.  So many lies.  She's clean; she's good; everything's fine.  Here is a woman who has barely worked a day in her life and has always found someone to "take care of her." Well, she's not taken care of, she wasn't fine, and she was using a drug that most likely will at some point kill her because she will overdose.  Yeah, let that sink in for a moment.

But then I think she is probably fragile and can't hear these awful things that I think about her.  At a point I think I have to tell her that I fear for her life.  When I go months without hearing anything about her, I wonder if she is dead.  Would any of us finally have some peace if she was?

So today, I think about all of the families out there dealing with addiction and the heartache is causing them. Maybe one day I will find the strength to let her know what a horrible thing I think she is doing with the drugs and the lies and misery, but for today I just put it out there so maybe we can make it through another day.  

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

I have been dealing with the same thing with my sister. I feel your pain. It is so hard to watch someone you love go down this path and you are completely helpless to do anything. She has drained our parents both mentally and financially. I will pray for her.

Anonymous said...

Your story could be the story of my sister and what is has done to my family. Her addiction has destroyed our once close family. Praying for you, her and all that is involved.

Anonymous said...

Sounds just like my brother. Our parents too have been drained mentally and financially. He also has 2 children that don't have a daddy. Praying for you and your family.

Anonymous said...

We walk the same path. Years and years of lies and manipulation, me feeling sorry for her, pissed at her just angry at what she stole from mom and dad both physical possessions as well as their peace.

It scars everyone.

Anonymous said...

I come from addiction/alcoholism. And I know it's redundant, but you can't understand it. The mindset of an addict is completely different from a "normal" person. We we are in deep with an addiction, that's the only thing we can think of. Our sole purpose is to feed it. That's what makes us addicts. If we were normal, we would be able to stop when we wanted or when we thought we hurt someone. We have an allergy and an obsession. And you can be in recovery, but you will never be recovered. I've been sober since January, and I hurt a lot of people. Now that I have been sober, I know that I would NEVER do those things in my right mind. It's not her fault for being an addict. Addicts are sick people. And I'm sorry she has hurt you, but she's hurt too. I'm not telling you to forgive her or whatever. I just wanted to give you a little insight to what it's like to be an addict, and that what they do is not purposefully to hurt people. It's about only one thing.