My heart aches right now. Aches. And I am beyond angry. You see, I have two younger sisters. And the thing about sisters is that you are close even when you aren't. And we don't see each other often and we don't talk much and we live like a million miles away but I love my little sisters dearly and I always want what is best for them.
(Yeah, I promise I'm their biological sister. Same parents. Crazy genetics).
My middle sister has battled mental health issues and drug addiction for as long as I can remember now. She was the one who drank in high school and started smoking when she was oh so young. And from there it progressed, like you so often hear about. She did marijuana and prescription pills and then it moved onto other things. And she would go to rehab and it would stick for a bit, and then it wouldn't.
And I can't tell you what goes on in the mind of an addict because I honestly have NO FREAKING CLUE. And I don't think her story is mine to tell. But my feelings about it are real.
Her addiction has destroyed her family; it has destroyed our family. Because you always love your kids, my parents have gone above and beyond to make it better. And it's like she doesn't even care. Or maybe she does. But I don't know addiction. And I'm angry with her for being so selfish and such a burden (emotionally and financially). And I HATE her for what she is doing to her kids. I know I would do anything for my children. Most parents would. But when you are staring in the face of an addict, I don't know that you can say that. And I feel like the reason "you don't understand addiction" as true as it may be can't (or shouldn't) get in the way of the love you have for your kids.
The lies. So many lies. She's clean; she's good; everything's fine. Here is a woman who has barely worked a day in her life and has always found someone to "take care of her." Well, she's not taken care of, she wasn't fine, and she was using a drug that most likely will at some point kill her because she will overdose. Yeah, let that sink in for a moment.
But then I think she is probably fragile and can't hear these awful things that I think about her. At a point I think I have to tell her that I fear for her life. When I go months without hearing anything about her, I wonder if she is dead. Would any of us finally have some peace if she was?
So today, I think about all of the families out there dealing with addiction and the heartache is causing them. Maybe one day I will find the strength to let her know what a horrible thing I think she is doing with the drugs and the lies and misery, but for today I just put it out there so maybe we can make it through another day.